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Breakup and divorce

10 signs that your marriage no longer has a solution

It is difficult and heartbreaking to acknowledge that your marriage no longer has a solution. It’s putting an end to something that once represented the ultimate happiness and was supposed to be forever. Sometimes there are ways and formulas that can save a marriage. However, there are times when it is best to accept reality, no matter how harsh , and move on along different paths.

About 50% of couples who get married for the first time end up divorced, according to divorce statistics. The reasons can be very varied, from financial problems to sexual incompatibilities. The end is the same, the divorce.

 

How to be sure that your marriage no longer has a solution?

Marriages have ups and downs. In bad times the idea of ​​separation can come to mind, and when everything passes and the relationship improves, those thoughts seem out of place. Therefore, it is difficult to discern if it is simply a bad stage or it is something that has no solution .

Deep down, no one wants to destroy a relationship and carry responsibility . Many things are affected, from the material things that they have built together, to the children, whom one wants to protect and care for above all else.

Couple turned back: marriage has no solution
Bad streaks can be a normal thing in any relationship. However, when these are constant, the idea of ​​divorce can take shape.

So sometimes it is good to look for solutions. Shellie Warren, a marriage therapist, recommends exhausting 5 actions before thinking that marriage has no solution.

  • See a marriage counselor
  • Talk to your partner about the needs and concerns of the relationship.
  • Spend more time together and be more intimate.
  • Recognize your own mistakes and try to change them.
  • Understand that your partner can be wrong.

However, there are times when the signs indicate that there are not many possible exits.

It may interest you: 6 damages that divorce can cause in the lives of children

Insurmountable situations

First of all, it must be considered that some situations do not have to be tolerated and do not even deserve a reconsideration.

1. A marriage no longer has a solution if there is abuse

Either physically or verbally, if you feel that your partner is attacking you, you should not accept it and you have to understand that violent behaviors are repetitive.

2. Toxic relationships

Hand rejecting
Abuse and toxic relationships are something that cannot be tolerated. At any sign, ending the relationship will be the best solution.

A damaging relationship can be difficult to recognize , because sometimes the damage is very subtle. If you feel contempt, verbal abuse, lack of empathy, constant criticism and lack of consideration, you may be the victim of a toxic relationship.

3. Lies as a sign that your marriage no longer has a solution

A couple is built on trust . If cheating is a habit to justify behavior, that trust is broken . Likewise, infidelity is a sign of little interest in the relationship. Although it can sometimes be forgiven and overcome, it often tends to relapse.

4. Addictions

Even if there is love and empathy, if your partner has addictions to alcohol, drugs, gambling or some other type of addictive behavior, sooner or later it will affect the relationship . The addiction is going to be more important than the partner and the consequences can be incalculable. In those cases, it is best to seek professional help.

Read also: How to deal with divorce

Signs that marriage has no solution

There are other circumstances in which the way forward is not so clear. When you feel that divorce is imminent but doubts do not let you decide, you can look for some signs that can give you an indication that the marriage no longer has a solution.

1. Lack of respect

Pareja discutiendo
One of the basic pillars in any relationship must be mutual respect. If not, the relationship will be lost.

When one loses respect for the other , the relationship is very complicated. If one feels that the other is less, it will hardly change that feeling. John Gottman, one of the most renowned psychologists, considers this contempt to be one of the “horsemen of the marriage apocalypse . 

2. You idealize a life without a partner

Thinking that one can be better alone or with another person at some point of conflict can be normal. But when this is a constant thought and in every situation you find a more satisfying situation in your mind, it is a sign that there is no satisfaction in marriage.

3. Constant fights

Differences in marriage are normal. Coexistence is very difficult, but when there is love there is tolerance . If every conversation ends in an argument, that tolerance is lost. There may even be a need to discharge some internal anger against the other . That, obviously, is not good for the relationship.

4. Constant criticism

Pareja discutiendo
Constructive criticism is always a positive thing, but when it becomes destructive, a vicious cycle occurs until it breaks.

If you do not see anything good in your partner, or vice versa, it is because criticism has taken over the relationship. Constructive criticism can be valuable, as long as the positives are also seen. When criticism only destroys, many other things are destroyed in the couple.

5. Always blame the other

In any relationship the blame is shared. When your partner blames you for everything, there is most likely a feeling of anger towards you. That is a form of contempt that should also be treated with a marriage therapist , otherwise it will be difficult to maintain a relationship under that premise.

6. Lack of contact

Sex is an important part of the couple. Without them, the relationship is not complete. If in addition, there is not even a caress, a kiss or a hug, the interest may have been completely lost.

Remember to exhaust all possible avenues if you still want to fight for the relationship . However, keep in mind that there are certain aspects that should not be tolerated. Marriage therapy is a very suitable option although, if the feelings still do not change, the decision will be made.

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Breakup and divorce

How long does it take to get over a divorce?

When you marry you do so with the promise and the intention that it will be forever. Therefore, if separation comes, it is difficult to assume it, it does not matter if it is desired or takes you by surprise . Getting over a divorce is never easy and can take some time.

How difficult it is to let go of a relationship depends, to a large extent, on the depth of the ties that form it. From factors such as how long they were together, the quality of the relationship and commitment, to material connections, such as children, property and common assets.

Even the age, position, and social relationship of the couple affect recovery. The more turns a knot has, the more difficult it is to untangle. The same goes for a marriage and any relationship. There is no magic bullet to get over a divorce.

How to get over a divorce

What does science say?

Photo split in half
Acceptance of the emotional breakup and divorce depends on factors that surround the couple, and can be more or less long and expensive.

Although it is difficult to measure human feelings, science has tried to understand the divorce process and the time needed to overcome it. 

Studies from the University of Binghampton in New York indicate that a divorce can be overcome between 6 months and 2 years . According to this research, women feel a more severe emotional shock but recover faster than men. In fact, men have a harder time getting over the breakup altogether .

This study reveals that there are 6 phases in the process of getting over a divorce .

  1. Depression and rage . There is a mixture of anger against the partner and moments of separation anxiety .
  2. Disorientation , caused by change and uncertainty.
  3. Pain and sadness when understanding that a feeling has been lost.
  4. Reflection . It is about looking for explanations and understanding what happened.
  5. Assimilation . At this point, you begin to accept the divorce and break the ties with the past.
  6. Opening . It comes when the divorce has been overcome and the person is able to meet new people and face a new life without resentment or ties with the past.

Also read: 4 early signs of divorce that few see

Tips to get over a divorce

Woman in psychological consultation to overcome a divorce
Proper emotional management in a break-up process can bring benefits in terms of self-love, self-acceptance, maturity and decision-making.

The couple’s relationship has a great impact on the way you believe in yourself and act, according to psychologist Karen Young. When living as a couple, one interacts, plans and decides together . There is a direct influence of the other person on oneself. The couple is also a support and someone to whom one trusts a large part of their privacy.

By getting divorced, you lose that partnership. As self-sufficient as you may feel, divorce is like losing part of yourself , according to Dr. Young. To recover from a divorce there are several steps that can be taken:

  • Talk to someone about your feelings.
  • Seek help from someone who can understand you. Do not hide your feelings or your sadness , or try to make up them. If you speak in a sincere and objective way, you will find answers that will help you.
  • Find a positive story. If you constantly talk about the breakup, rejection and loss of happiness, the recovery will be slower. However, if you seek a positive approach to your personal story, the healing process will be faster. Look for learnings from relationship and separation, personal lessons, and lessons for the future.
  • Find yourself. Do not focus on that part of yourself that you think you have lost by separating. Redefine yourself and establish who you are outside of a relationship. Take back those parts of yourself that you sacrificed for the relationship. Begin to see yourself as a whole person and not as the half that needed another person.
  • Find your own way . Search and get closer to the things that interest you. Set goals and paths to achieve them and follow that path. On that path, connect with yourself and with new people.

It may interest you: How to maintain a happy marriage

What not to do

Woman accepting breakup of couple looking out a window
Don’t isolate yourself or hesitate to express your feelings about the breakup to others. Thus, the final acceptance will be more bearable.

Therapist Susan Pease also recommends situations and actions that should be avoided.

  • Do not isolate yourself and keep your feelings in your thoughts. Seek help and share.
  • Don’t wait for others to tell you what to do. Talk to others but the solution is in you.
  • Do not shut yourself up and wait for everything to pass by itself. Take action to overcome the divorce .
  • Don’t pretend you’re okay when you don’t feel that way.
  • Don’t feel bad for feeling bad . It is normal to feel angry and sad. Accept it as part of the process.
  • Don’t be a perfectionist or think that you don’t make mistakes. Generally, in separations there are blame on both sides . Accept yours but don’t focus on blaming yourself. Take it as an apprenticeship.

Dr. Pease believes that people who take more than two years to get over a divorce, surely, do one or more of these things that should be avoided. Keep in mind all of the above and take your time to overcome the duel.

Categories
Breakup and divorce

7 tips to overcome a traumatic divorce

A divorce is also a grieving process . Indeed, it supposes the death of a life that was supposed to be in common , of dreams for the future, of shared time and of feelings. It is not easy to overcome it but if you take into account some tips, the mourning for the failed marriage can be more bearable.

Tips to get over a divorce

There can be many causes that lead to divorce, either by mutual agreement or contentious. In fact, each couple is different and, therefore, it could almost be said that there are as many reasons for divorce as there are marriages. Infidelity, abuse, incompatibility of characters … whatever, it is not easy to overcome the break.

However, it must be done: there is no other option. We cannot force anyone to stay by our side nor should we continue in a relationship that does not make sense.

We recommend you read: Getting over a breakup, how much time do we really need?

Accept the divorce

Sad woman having a coffee
Accepting the reality of divorce will help us overcome the grieving process and see the positive aspects that this situation leaves us with.

A marriage is the beginning of a life together , with dreams for the future, expectations and plans. It is a vision of the future that attracts us to the point of taking us to the altar to commit ourselves to the other person, thinking that it will be for life.

In this way, it is also an investment. Indeed, we invest in our spouse, in that life together, in all senses (economic, psychological, emotional…).

It is, therefore, normal that we refuse to accept that everything we have invested and dreamed of is not going to come true. This is why many people experience a denial phase, that is, they refuse to admit that it is over and insist that somehow the marriage can be saved, even risking their own dignity.

However, we must be honest and sincere with ourselves and accept reality . Of course, a grieving process will be necessary to overcome the rupture and in this sense, we must be condescending with ourselves and give ourselves time.

No to isolation

During the mourning of a relationship that has ended, many people tend to isolate themselves, withdraw into themselves and reject social life and contact with others, even those closest to them.

However, it is best to share what you feel and how you feel with close people who really love you. Expressing your feelings is something always positive that will lead you to feel more relieved and better. In this way, you can get rid of part of the burden that hurts you.

Therefore, do not reject family and friends who will help you , without a doubt, away from the isolation that can make you see things even more difficult than they really are.

We recommend reading: Why expressing emotions is positive?

Optimism

Happy woman
Although at first it seems impossible to visualize it, now you can imagine a new life, with new dreams and expectations.

It is easy to say – we are aware of it – but in every rupture, in addition to something that dies, there is also something that is born. And, indeed, a new future is born that, in addition, you had not imagined until now.

Little by little, as the grief over the marriage wears off, you can imagine a new life and have new dreams, expectations, and plans. Plus, you can even imagine yourself doing what you really want. Because now you are in those future projections and not the two who were the couple.

It is the ideal time to be optimistic , to imagine that future full of personal growth and pleasant activities, to take care of yourself and live your life.

Learn from divorce

You’ve been through a lot. You have suffered, you have cried and you have almost reached the limit. That means, among other things, that you have become closer to yourself, that you have been in contact with your deepest self and that you have been able to get to know yourself better .

Now you know your limits better and have learned to channel pain and negative emotions. Now you are stronger, more confident. Take advantage of that energy and consider a new life and a new future.

It is time to prioritize yourself

Yoga pose
It is time to think about yourself, rediscovering new interests and hobbies.

While the marriage lasted, everything revolved around the marital relationship: the day to day, how to organize vacations, shopping for the supermarket, what to watch on television … However, now, that condition does not exist and you can prioritize yourself same.

Therefore, try to do activities that are pleasant to you, that is, rediscover your hobbies and your personal tastes. Take care of yourself by doing physical exercise, for example.

No need to find another partner

It is the moment to understand that happiness is in yourself, and that you do not need a romantic relationship to give meaning to your life. Indeed, it makes sense on its own.

Therefore, do not think that finding another partner will solve your problems, neither present nor future. You must learn that feeling alone is also necessary , it is relating to yourself. Only then will we be prepared, as more upright and fulfilled individuals, to find the right person.

Seek professional help if necessary

Woman in therapy
When grief overtakes us and it is impossible to visualize a new life, professional help will always be our best option.

If despite everything you feel that you cannot overcome the divorce and that the grief is more intense than you can bear, do not hesitate to go to a professional.

Indeed, if you consider that depression is lurking and that you don’t feel capable of doing anything, or eating or enjoying the most everyday things in life, a psychologist can effectively help you overcome it.

So be condescending to yourself and accept that you need help. Then ask for it. A specialist will help you manage stress and your feelings. It will teach you to channel them in the proper way and to be able, at last, to visualize that new future that is now open to you without limits.

Throughout this article, we have given you some tips to help you overcome a traumatic divorce. Now, you should always keep in mind that each divorce is a world, as is each couple.

Thus, especially in those marriages with children or in which there has been abuse, we must be especially mature and strong . In fact, mismanaging the situation or the emotions and hurts that the breakup entails can create even more trauma in the future. Therefore, go to a professional whenever necessary.

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Breakup and divorce

Depression after a breakup: treatments and support

Some people are able to get over a breakup quickly. However, others find it more difficult and need more time. It is normal. However, in extreme cases, some people may become depressed after a breakup. In this article, we will tell you what the symptoms of depression are and how we can overcome this situation.

Depression or a normal reaction after the breakup?

Being sad is normal

Mujer triste
It is normal that after the end of a relationship we feel sadness, because we are ending a future project with another person.

First, it is essential to distinguish between what is a normal reaction to a breakup and a depression. Indeed, even if the relationship has not been very important, it is perfectly normal to present certain feelings and emotions when it ends. Thus, within what is considered a normal reaction, we can find:

  • Frustration
  • Sadness
  • Crying
  • Insomnia
  • Reluctance and loss of interest

It is, therefore, perfectly normal to go through a “grief phase” over a relationship that has died. It is, after all, a loss. So there is nothing to worry about. However, the time of this duel will depend on each person. Indeed, some take longer while others can overcome it more quickly.

We recommend you read:  How to overcome an emotional breakup

The Depression

On the other hand, in depression after a break, the symptoms do not disappear in weeks, even months. In fact, they can get worse. Thus, among its symptoms we can highlight:

  • Loss of interest in any type of activity
  • Low self-esteem
  • Lack of energy
  • Sleeping little or sleeping too much
  • Intense feeling of emptiness and hopelessness
  • Loss of appetite or increased appetite
  • The depressed person moves slowly, even talks and thinks slowly
  • Difficult to focus
  • In extreme cases, suicidal thoughts or tendencies

What to do in case of depression after a breakup?

The best and most effective way to overcome depression is to see a specialist. Indeed, it will be able to guide the depressed person from a professional level and initiate the most appropriate type of therapy for each case. In this regard, you can recommend:

Psychological treatment

Mujer en consulta psicológica
Proper emotional management in a break-up process can bring benefits in terms of self-love, self-acceptance, maturity and decision-making.

Interpersonal or cognitive behavioral therapy will consist of changing negative thoughts and overcoming or avoiding the obsession or idealization of the other person or the broken relationship, or the feeling of anger, if it exists. In this sense, cognitive behavioral therapy and psychoanalysis are the most common forms of therapy.

Also, relaxation techniques may be recommended that will have a very positive impact on the depressed person.

Psychopharmacological treatment

Always depending on the severity of the case, certain antidepressant medications may be prescribed .

We recommend you read: A common evil, depression

Other recommendations

There are other types of recommendations related to depression after a breakup.

  • For example, it is highly advisable to do physical exercise . Indeed, the release of endorphins will help the depressed person to feel better and to overcome their condition. However, you don’t need to go to a gym, just walk, walk or ride a bike.
  • Another recommendation is to keep busy. In this sense, it is recommended to start something new. This, in turn, can range from something as simple as starting to read a book to starting a new life project.
  • In addition, as we will see later, it is important not to isolate yourself and promote contact and friendship with other people .
  • Avoid drugs and alcohol as a means of escape or comfort.
  • Eat well and in a balanced way, that is, seek physical balance with healthy habits. 
  • Get adequate sleep and rest .

Support in depression after a breakup

amigos tomándose una cerveza al aire
Socializing is one of the keys that will help us face what happened and overcome the breakup process in a healthy way.

In any case, for the depressed person it is always essential to  have the support of family and friends. In this sense, it is even advisable to make new friends, expand the social circle, regain contact with previous friends, etc.

Indeed, one of the keys to overcoming the problem is socializing . This will help to divert the focus from the person or relationship that has ended and the mood. In addition, precisely in the case of depression, expressing emotions and talking about the subject with those closest to you can help very positively.

However, many times the depressed person is unable to socialize and shuns contact with others. In this sense, the question arises of how to help a person suffering from depression after a breakup .

  • First of all, it is recommended to learn what depression is and what its symptoms are. Knowledge is always a weapon and the most important tool.
  • Talk to the depressed person and encourage treatment. It is important that we indicate that your condition has a solution, that it will be better if it is treated and managed in the appropriate way. However, the decision to start treatment must always be made by the person affected.
  • Seek help immediately if suicidal thoughts or thoughts are detected .
  • Offer support. Listen, reinforce positive thoughts, make plans with the depressed person (go shopping, have a drink, etc.).
  • Be patient. Getting out of depression can be a slow and difficult process. However, we must at all times show our support.
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Breakup and divorce

Houdini syndrome, when you escape from emotional involvement

Houdini syndrome refers to the Hungarian magician and escapist of the 19th century. However, we will refer to a type of psychological and emotional escapism that has a lot to do with the mechanism that operates the avoidance.

In this way, people with Houdini syndrome are characterized by escaping from work, obligations and relationships from time to time . In general, they tend to quickly commit to an activity or relationship. However, the greater the commitment, the greater the need to escape from it. Thus, there comes a day that they simply disappear.

People with Houdini syndrome do nothing more than reflect a deeper symptom that occurs, even on a social level, and that does not help to establish healthy and lasting bonds between individuals. Now, why does this phenomenon occur?

Liquid society and modern ties

No matter the time, there have always been people who have struggled to establish lasting bonds and commit. However, our society is too individualistic compared to other historical eras.

Unfortunately, more and more people are seen as mere means or objects. This situation does not invite to think that, for example, friendships or relationships will last forever.

Today, the ties with others are more diffuse and weak. It gives the impression that people are replaceable at all times and in all places. Nothing lasts forever, and perhaps many laugh at this concept.

Neither things nor relationships seem built to last. Weak ties are like shallow roots. Before the slightest difficulty, everything falls apart.

Houdini syndrome
We live in a time where relationships don’t seem destined to last long.

Keep reading: Liquid relationships and the fragility of ties

Phases of Houdini syndrome or emotional drain

Houdini syndrome usually occurs progressively, in phases . It goes from giving everything to disappearing, many times even without leaving a trace. In a classic way, the following three phases are distinguished:

  • First phase of sentimental boom: in this phase there is falling in love , and it seems that everything is going to go very well, that we are fortunate to have met that person and that he is by our side. Everything is perfect and our dreams are projected as reality with that person. However, this phase usually goes as fast as it appears.
  • Second phase of doubts: as the relationship has weak foundations or shallow roots, doubts may arise about the reliability of the relationship. Nothing is as beautiful as at the beginning, and you don’t really know what will happen. Uncertainty appears .
  • Third phase of emotional flight: the person in question escapes from the relationship. He leaves us, perhaps without showing up or giving explanations. Contact can be severely severed and it is not uncommon for that person to never be heard from again.

Find out more: I feel distant from my partner: what do I do?

Why can this emotional drain occur?

running away from a relationship
When one of the people disappears from the relationship due to Houdini syndrome, it is usual that nothing is heard from her again

There can be 3 factors whose simultaneous action would be equivalent to an explosive cocktail:

  • Immaturity: derived from the little emotional education that some people have. Many have stereotypical ideas about what relationships should be like and don’t know how to manage them. There is also fear of commitment or inability to plan one’s life.
  • Individualistic society : today’s society, as we anticipated, no longer gives importance to stable relationships , forming families and sex as an expression of love and transcendence. Instead, these values ​​have been traded for a misunderstood kind of freedom that manifests itself as individualism.
  • Internet, social networks and new technologies: the social networks give the impression of having dozens of potential partners hand, people who have in reserve , who write to us, send us photos. In these circumstances, it is difficult to focus and stay with just one person, giving up the others, depending on the stereotype that is imposed.

Houdini syndrome is not the only option

In conclusion, perhaps for many the situation is not the most favorable, but we must avoid being victims of escapism, or avoid doing it ourselves. Houdini syndrome is common in liquid society, but it is not the only behavioral choice.

Therefore, we must take care of the person we are with. We should not play with the feelings of others, just as we would have to take care of our self-esteem and face the fear that the supposed resignation of a multitude of couples supposes.

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Couple relationships

Keys to take care of the couple’s relationship

Love must be cultivated, like a plant. For this reason, today we want to share with you the keys to taking care of the couple’s relationship. There could be 4 essentials.

When we start a relationship, the beginning is usually more intense, but, unfortunately, over time relationships tend to decline . Some even conclude.

After the family, studies such as the one carried out by researchers at the Universidad Santo Tomás, in Chile , indicate that the couple relationship is one of the most significant and intense in our lives, influencing our well-being.

With all this, we do not need more explanations to make sense of the desire to want to be next to a person. But how can we take care of our relationship so that it is healthy and does not fall into harmful attachments or deterioration?

According to professor at the University of Chile Fernando Maureira , there are four essential components in a relationship: commitment, romance, love and intimacy.  In addition to these elements, there are also other factors that we can use to safeguard our coexistence as a couple. Discover them!

Keys to take care of the couple’s relationship

1. Loving ourselves

In order to give love, we first need to love ourselves. Loving ourselves and being willing to grow as human beings is essential.

In fact, many conflicts in the couple begin with their own deficiencies. When this happens, then one of the members can demand from the other what in reality no one else can give him.

We can overturn these limiting ideas, founded on romantic myths , and that prevent us from truly loving. For example, one of these beliefs is that the other person completes us. This is false. We are complete from the moment we are born .

Self-esteem and self-confidence
To have a healthy relationship, we must put aside those limiting romantic thoughts. Before loving another person, we must love ourselves.

2. Acknowledge our mistakes

This is crucial in order to improve. If we want a relationship that is healthy, the proper thing is to recognize our defects and be willing to change.   We all have some aspect of our life to improve. If we are honest, we may even ask for help if we feel like we can’t.

psychologist can be of help in this regard. This professional can help you envision the areas you need to work on to become a better person. When you start managing your thoughts and emotions in the right way, it will be much easier to have a relationship that is healthy.

Also read: What is the secret of couples that work?

3. Build spaces for intimacy

This is not just about sexuality. Having a space for intimacy, in addition to getting closer to the couple, allows us to relate our dreams, express our fears , tell our illusions, among others.

4. Play down small problems

Sometimes we unleash catastrophes where there are only small problems. The best antidote to dissolving problems is to laugh and focus on the big projects.

What is the secret of couples that work?
It is important to downplay those little things that cause discomfort in the couple. Dialogue and think about projects helps to overcome difficulties.

5. Create common projects

And work for them. This allows the relationship to grow stronger. That is, looking at both in one direction, but without neglecting the dreams of each. Some of the objectives that can be raised can range from taking a trip, renovating a house or starting a business.

6. A getaway

A romance-filled getaway can go a long way toward nurturing your relationship. In these moments you can escape the routine and find each other, without distracting elements.

Although many couples wait for a special day to do it, it can also be done at any time. That is, you don’t have to wait for a birthday or anniversary to pack your bags and travel together.

You may be interested in: Living together as a couple

7. Dialogue in the couple relationship

Some couples only communicate when they have serious problems to attend to, but dialogue is necessary at all times. It can be good to spend at least ten minutes each morning talking or reminding each other how much you love each other. A great option can be active listening .

Listening, one of the keys to taking care of your relationship
Dialogue and active listening are decisive for having a good coexistence as a couple. It is important to practice it, even when there are no problems involved.

8. Never forget the details

These reinforce the couple’s relationship every day. Thus, some may be: a romantic note, a massage or a surprise dinner, among others. Details can be unexpected. We all like them!

9. Respect in the couple relationship

This is another key component. Both towards you, and towards your partner. When we respect ourselves, it is more feasible to begin to experience well-being because respect is the first step towards happiness.

By following these guidelines, you can enjoy a good relationship. Identify any mistakes you may be making and try to change the situation as soon as you can. It is never too late to start and much less to love. And remember that you can always consult with a couples therapist if your problems are not solved.

Categories
Couple relationships

Rebecca syndrome: jealousy towards your partner’s ex

Rebecca Syndrome refers to those situations where a person experiences jealousy towards the ex of his current partner. Nowadays, it is increasingly common to develop these types of feelings, according to some psychologists.

This can be due to a variety of causes, from low self-esteem to a compelling need to compare yourself with others. Sometimes, even the partner may be the cause of this situation.

Let’s go deeper.

Why is it called Rebecca syndrome?

This syndrome receives that name inspired by the Alfred Hitchcock film called in the same way, “Rebecca”, and released in 1940. In turn, the film production was based on the novel “Rebecca”, by Daphne du Maurier.

In this cult feature film we learn the story of a young companion who lives an affair with a widowed millionaire and ends up marrying him. Unfortunately for the new wife, the housekeeper and the rest of the house staff (an imposing mansion called Manderley ) are hostile towards her from the beginning.

The young woman is constantly compared to the former woman. This is sanctified, glorified and admired by the whole world  and, little by little, the protagonists begin to feel that their self-esteem falls to the detriment of the untouchable image of the deceased.

For this reason, she begins to develop a jealousy that has no reason to be, especially when it is discovered that her husband’s relationship with his previous wife was anything but happy and peaceful.

What is Rebecca syndrome like?

The author Peter Van Sommers, in his interesting work entitled: “Jealousy: Knowing It, Understanding It, Accepting It”,  has expressed his own opinion about this type of jealousy which he has classified as “retrospective”. That is, those  caused by the previous relationships of the current partner.

This is why the affected person can feel jealousy even of a former  deceased of his current partner. The Bulgarian writer Elias Canetti also previously uttered an aphorism that fits this description very well:

“Jealousy should be classified according to what one hated the most: the rivals who were, who are, who will be.”

Being someone who is considered as a rival from the past, it is common for the person with the syndrome to imagine happy situations that that person lived with their partner.

It is also common for those who suffer from this syndrome to assume that that person is or was more intelligent, beautiful or attractive, among others. That is, to assign outstanding qualities to it.

This leads those who suffer from jealousy to have a complacent behavior towards the other, although the opposite can also happen, that they feel superior. The truth is that this situation seriously affects living together as a couple, causing conflicts or completely destroying the relationship.

Read: How to manage jealousy after an infidelity

Causes of Rebecca syndrome

As this  study by researchers Scheinkman and Werneck points out, “Jealousy is a complex relational experience. They are a visceral fear of loss. “

This way of feeling includes thoughts and feelings that generate actions and reactions that sometimes seem incomprehensible.

Woman with Rebecca syndrome
Sometimes Rebecca syndrome has its origin in a problem of self-esteem of the person. However, it can also be given by pair comparisons.

The situations that increase the possibility of this box appearing are the following:

  • Low self-esteem and self-concept of those who suffer from the syndrome.
  • When the partner or the environment constantly remembers the previous partner.
  • The partner makes direct comparisons between both pairs.
  • When the person suffering from the syndrome realizes that they resemble the previous partner of their current partner, either physically or in personality.
  • When the couple has recently been widowed, they have not passed the stage of mourning and the feelings and memories are on the surface.

You may be interested: How do I know if I am jealous?

Is there any treatment?

Improving the situation in which irrational fears prevail  often involves some type of intervention , according to Dr. Cuesta . In some cases, it may be necessary that the partner of the person suffering from this syndrome also receive psychological support.

Some suggestions that may help include the following:

  • That the current partner improves communication.
  • Let the current couple express their dissatisfactions and remember why they are together.
  • Avoid making exaggerated mentions about the qualities of the previous partner or verbalizing many details.
  • Review the beliefs that the person suffering from jealousy has.
  • Improve the self-esteem of the person suffering from this syndrome.
  • Modify attitudes that are controlling, among others.

With the support of a psychologist , it is possible to leave behind the pictures of celotype and begin to truly enjoy the relationship as a couple, in the here and now.

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Couple relationships

Sologamia or the tendency to marry oneself

Sologamia, or the tendency to marry oneself, is a topic that is in vogue, especially for those who consider that their happiness does not depend on others. Traditionally, many people have believed in the myths of love; therefore, they think they need to find their “rib” or “better half”. However, this is beginning to reverse.

Now, a new group of individuals arises who consider that their happiness does not depend on others, and they are conceived as complete beings. This belief goes to the limit of marrying himself. So far, more women are beginning to practice sologamia.

Solitude is not loneliness

Those who observe these attitudes from the outside, tend to think that those who practice sologamia are lonely people or narcissistic individuals , who do not know the happiness of sharing with someone else.

Solitude is not loneliness

 

However, it is worth noting that sologamia is not loneliness. Those who practice it have made it clear that they find the best possible company: themselves. In fact, studies indicate that loneliness can be defined, following Sullivan, as:

“An unpleasant experience, associated with a lack of interpersonal intimacy.”

While other research defines this state as:

“The absence of attachment relationships, that is, especially significant relationships for the person, and that provide a secure base.”

However, the detail with sologamia is that the secure base is not outside, but within each of those who practice it.

Also read: 6 ways to combat your fear of loneliness

Why marry yourself?

Those who conceive of sologamia as the best way to give themselves love is because they have made a commitment to love each other without expecting this feeling from others. That is to say, well-being, self-confidence, and the fullness of love are not sought in another person, nor is it requested, but is obtained from within.

Although it is a fairly new trend, it is already beginning to travel quite a few parts of the world, so it could be said that it is becoming more and more successful.

Those who assume marriage with themselves do so because:

  • They do not believe that their happiness depends on others.
  • They don’t want a conventional marriage.
  • They observe the high divorce rates, but they know that with themselves this will not exist. The only way to self-divorce is to stop loving yourself, something that will never happen.
  • They don’t believe in traditional marriages.
  • They do not want to experience the crises that traditionally formed couples experience.

It may interest you: Discover the benefits of loneliness

Sologamia and legality

An important aspect that must be considered is that the Sologamia, for now, has a legal vacuum, since it is not found in current laws. However, it is possible that over time this legal vacuum will end up being filled, as more and more women decide to make this commitment .

If this trend continues to grow, perhaps one day, the legal system will end up including it.

How is sologamia celebrated?

In this type of marriages, the protagonists dress in white, with bridal gowns, invite their loved ones, bring bridesmaids and make toasts . The cakes are also usually showy, of enormous sizes; Event rooms are rented, and some women actually go on honeymoon and then send postcards from their destination.

How is sologamia celebrated?

 

Rings are not a problem either, because those who tire of themselves give themselves a ring of self-commitment. The rise of these celebrations is so accelerated that there are already companies that are dedicated to serving these people . An example of this is I Marry Me.

These companies are dedicated to planning everything related to the event so that nothing fails that day , as well as collecting the stories of the women who decide to take this big step. The most exciting thing about these ceremonies is the reading of the vows. Most women say:

“I promise to love myself, love myself and respect myself more every day, I renounce self-sabotage and attract failure into my life; from now on I promise to treat myself with great respect, honor and love. “

It is definitely a very striking trend. These weddings can be held on the shore of a beach or in a church, if desired . Nothing is superfluous when it comes to showing love to yourself.

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Couple relationships

Isopraxis: the language of seduction

Since the beginning of time, human beings have found a way to communicate beyond words. Isopraxis, or the language of seduction, falls within this field and is a field yet to be explored in depth.

Biological inheritance is part of each one of us, so it is essential to understand certain behaviors or processes. The body has its own method of communication, and it is important to learn to decipher it.

For this reason, below we analyze the messages that the body can transmit.

Isopraxis: the body also speaks

The body also has communication skills. If you do not feel comfortable in a place, probably the people around you are able to identify it from your body posture or your expression, for example.

It is not just an instinctive survival tool in ancient times – as when a strange sound made a man stop and look around – but the brain also makes it easier for others to perceive behavioral cues.

This explains why with some people you can create an almost immediate bond and maintain a good relationship, while with others the opposite is the case.

It is not difficult to notice that a person is uncomfortable in a chat. It can even be seen if someone is listening just out of courtesy,  even if they have no interest in the conversation .

Women talking about isopraxis

 

How can isopraxis help you win over who you like?

Now, how can you use all this information to your advantage to get the attention of the person you like? The key is in isopraxis. This technique consists of empathizing with the other and creating harmony through gestures and bodily expressions.

For example, the imitation of the other person’s posture, which allows establishing a greater proximity and complicity. It is usually done unconsciously and naturally, as it is a typical physical reaction in social situations. However, it can also be used as a tool in the art of conquest.

The explanation for this mechanism is in the cubelli neurons or mirror neurons , which are involved in imitation, empathic and social behaviors.

Read also: How to seduce your partner?

A weapon to conquer

This resource can be used to attract a potential partner or to check if you have bonded with a special person. In fact, you can look at people who start a relationship, they surely touch, are close to each other most of the time and even adopt similar postures.

Couple talking face to face

 

Here are some recommendations based on isopraxis to flirt effectively. They are as follows:

  • Maintain an upright position, looking straight ahead and avoiding shrugging your shoulders. This advice not only serves to avoid bad posture, but also to transmit security.
  • Hands should always be out of pockets. They should not be hidden, as this indicates insecurity, as suggested by this study by a team from Columbia University (United States) .
  • Look at the other person when you are speaking and when they are speaking to you.  Those who avoid looking are generally people with shyness problems, although this can also be improved.
  • It is also allowed to lean a little to denote interest, but it is not advisable to touch the other or invade their personal space .

It may interest you: How to maintain passion in your partner

How to know if the other person is interested

According to isopraxis, if the other person looks at you from the front, their pupils dilate a little and they lean their body towards you, there could be some interest. But if, on the contrary, the person avoids you, watches the clock constantly or their body posture denotes withdrawal, you may not be too attracted to them.

Keep in mind that they are approximate statements. Each person is a world and their way of developing in the communicative field as well. Like you, the other person may be changing their body posture on purpose so that you don’t think they are interested in you or because they feel nervous in front of the person they like.

Taking isopraxis into account is important, since it allows real evaluations of what the other person could feel and not express verbally. All this, without a doubt, will allow you to  develop better communication with others.

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Couple relationships

I feel distant from my partner: what do I do?

“I feel distant from my partner, what can I do?” This, perhaps, is one of the most frequent concerns among those who have a relationship. Suddenly, the person changes, things are not as before and fear appears of a hypothetical breakup.  How to react in these cases?

Since there are many feelings involved, it is frequent that doubts and questions appear that do not always have an immediate answer. 

However, before starting to build hypotheses, it is a good idea to examine some of the possible causes why this may have happened.

Let’s go deeper.

The couple bond

According to this study by Dr. Ortega Rojas,   the couple bond is one of the most important that people build throughout their lives. Therefore, a harmony must be established between the process of giving and receiving.

For love to work  , several components are needed that influence the well-being of the couple , and these revolve around mutual dedication and considering the needs of the other.

Couple on the beach

 

On the other hand, this research carried out by a team from the Santo Tomás University (Chile) tells us that to be happy in a relationship it is important to satisfy basic needs (food, money, clothing, etc.).

In addition to these, shared entertainment activities and, of course, emotional satisfaction, intimacy and social support are also important.

If these components fail, or if only one member of the couple complies, the relationship is prone to breakdown.

Discover: Keys to take care of your relationship

My partner is distant with me: possible reasons

While it is true that a change in attitude in a partner can be taken as a sign that things are wrong, it is also true that other possible causes must be analyzed.

Here are some of them.

A mature love is being forged

This can happen after the infatuation phase. When this stage is overcome, the relationship calms down and everything becomes more serene. This does not mean that love has ended, but that it has passed into a mature phase.

Your partner has had a loss

Any loss involves a grieving process . You may have lost a loved one, your job, or something else significant in your life, and you are in deep pain.

If this happens, it is normal for their attitude to change, only that the partner, being the closest person, is the one who usually perceives the changes first.  Try to give him all your love and understanding.

My partner is distant: possible reasons

 

Feels under pressure

Either due to studies, work or the same pressures of living together as a couple . In these cases, stress takes over the person and its consequences can be dire for the relationship.

If you think this is what is happening to him, talk to him and ask him to express himself without fear. Together, you can establish guidelines for action and analyze how you can improve or what you should change.

Constant conflicts

In these scenarios, it is possible that one of the two members feels tired from so much unproductive fighting and chooses to keep their distance.

If so, the couple will tend to emotionally distance themselves in order to avoid arguments.

Infidelity

This is another of the possible reasons why you might feel distant from the other, no matter how painful it is for you to admit it.

In some cases, the partner who is unfaithful changes schedules, routines or begins to hide some issues.

Also read: I don’t feel valued by my partner: what can I do?

I feel distant from my partner: what do I do?

After analyzing these possible causes, if you have managed to identify any that could describe your case, it  will be time to move on to the next phase.

  • Talk to your partner: do it in an assertive way, trying to focus on the facts and not on what you believe. Tell him about the specific actions you have observed and, without getting into controversy, ask him directly what has made him change his attitude.
  • Be patient:  avoid being harassed, be it with constant messages, persecution or by invading the limits of your privacy. If you do this, you would be the one who would be engaging in pathological behavior or suffering from celotype .
Man arguing with his girlfriend

 

  • Show empathy: if you have already talked and you have realized that your partner is experiencing a difficult time, put yourself in their place and show understanding.
  • Do not imitate their attitude: some people, seeing their distant partner, also assume that attitude out of pride. However, this only worsens the picture. Instead, it is more convenient to create habits to improve the relationship.
  • Have self-love: in this it is important that you develop good self-esteem. Many times, it also happens that everything is imaginary, that nothing happens, but fears develop due to the forms of attachment that one has. If so, you may want to seek psychological support to strengthen your areas of weakness.

Love yourself and do not accept less than what you deserve

When you are going through a bad streak in a relationship, the solution can only come from both of you. If you think that the love and support is one-sided and that the other does not correspond to you or make you happy, you should think of yourself first.

If you have spoken with your partner, you have confessed your feelings and keep doing the same, the most convenient thing is to break up. It is much better that you are alone in bad company.