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Breakup and divorce

10 signs that your marriage no longer has a solution

It is difficult and heartbreaking to acknowledge that your marriage no longer has a solution. It’s putting an end to something that once represented the ultimate happiness and was supposed to be forever. Sometimes there are ways and formulas that can save a marriage. However, there are times when it is best to accept reality, no matter how harsh , and move on along different paths.

About 50% of couples who get married for the first time end up divorced, according to divorce statistics. The reasons can be very varied, from financial problems to sexual incompatibilities. The end is the same, the divorce.

 

How to be sure that your marriage no longer has a solution?

Marriages have ups and downs. In bad times the idea of ​​separation can come to mind, and when everything passes and the relationship improves, those thoughts seem out of place. Therefore, it is difficult to discern if it is simply a bad stage or it is something that has no solution .

Deep down, no one wants to destroy a relationship and carry responsibility . Many things are affected, from the material things that they have built together, to the children, whom one wants to protect and care for above all else.

Couple turned back: marriage has no solution
Bad streaks can be a normal thing in any relationship. However, when these are constant, the idea of ​​divorce can take shape.

So sometimes it is good to look for solutions. Shellie Warren, a marriage therapist, recommends exhausting 5 actions before thinking that marriage has no solution.

  • See a marriage counselor
  • Talk to your partner about the needs and concerns of the relationship.
  • Spend more time together and be more intimate.
  • Recognize your own mistakes and try to change them.
  • Understand that your partner can be wrong.

However, there are times when the signs indicate that there are not many possible exits.

It may interest you: 6 damages that divorce can cause in the lives of children

Insurmountable situations

First of all, it must be considered that some situations do not have to be tolerated and do not even deserve a reconsideration.

1. A marriage no longer has a solution if there is abuse

Either physically or verbally, if you feel that your partner is attacking you, you should not accept it and you have to understand that violent behaviors are repetitive.

2. Toxic relationships

Hand rejecting
Abuse and toxic relationships are something that cannot be tolerated. At any sign, ending the relationship will be the best solution.

A damaging relationship can be difficult to recognize , because sometimes the damage is very subtle. If you feel contempt, verbal abuse, lack of empathy, constant criticism and lack of consideration, you may be the victim of a toxic relationship.

3. Lies as a sign that your marriage no longer has a solution

A couple is built on trust . If cheating is a habit to justify behavior, that trust is broken . Likewise, infidelity is a sign of little interest in the relationship. Although it can sometimes be forgiven and overcome, it often tends to relapse.

4. Addictions

Even if there is love and empathy, if your partner has addictions to alcohol, drugs, gambling or some other type of addictive behavior, sooner or later it will affect the relationship . The addiction is going to be more important than the partner and the consequences can be incalculable. In those cases, it is best to seek professional help.

Read also: How to deal with divorce

Signs that marriage has no solution

There are other circumstances in which the way forward is not so clear. When you feel that divorce is imminent but doubts do not let you decide, you can look for some signs that can give you an indication that the marriage no longer has a solution.

1. Lack of respect

Pareja discutiendo
One of the basic pillars in any relationship must be mutual respect. If not, the relationship will be lost.

When one loses respect for the other , the relationship is very complicated. If one feels that the other is less, it will hardly change that feeling. John Gottman, one of the most renowned psychologists, considers this contempt to be one of the “horsemen of the marriage apocalypse . 

2. You idealize a life without a partner

Thinking that one can be better alone or with another person at some point of conflict can be normal. But when this is a constant thought and in every situation you find a more satisfying situation in your mind, it is a sign that there is no satisfaction in marriage.

3. Constant fights

Differences in marriage are normal. Coexistence is very difficult, but when there is love there is tolerance . If every conversation ends in an argument, that tolerance is lost. There may even be a need to discharge some internal anger against the other . That, obviously, is not good for the relationship.

4. Constant criticism

Pareja discutiendo
Constructive criticism is always a positive thing, but when it becomes destructive, a vicious cycle occurs until it breaks.

If you do not see anything good in your partner, or vice versa, it is because criticism has taken over the relationship. Constructive criticism can be valuable, as long as the positives are also seen. When criticism only destroys, many other things are destroyed in the couple.

5. Always blame the other

In any relationship the blame is shared. When your partner blames you for everything, there is most likely a feeling of anger towards you. That is a form of contempt that should also be treated with a marriage therapist , otherwise it will be difficult to maintain a relationship under that premise.

6. Lack of contact

Sex is an important part of the couple. Without them, the relationship is not complete. If in addition, there is not even a caress, a kiss or a hug, the interest may have been completely lost.

Remember to exhaust all possible avenues if you still want to fight for the relationship . However, keep in mind that there are certain aspects that should not be tolerated. Marriage therapy is a very suitable option although, if the feelings still do not change, the decision will be made.

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Breakup and divorce

How long does it take to get over a divorce?

When you marry you do so with the promise and the intention that it will be forever. Therefore, if separation comes, it is difficult to assume it, it does not matter if it is desired or takes you by surprise . Getting over a divorce is never easy and can take some time.

How difficult it is to let go of a relationship depends, to a large extent, on the depth of the ties that form it. From factors such as how long they were together, the quality of the relationship and commitment, to material connections, such as children, property and common assets.

Even the age, position, and social relationship of the couple affect recovery. The more turns a knot has, the more difficult it is to untangle. The same goes for a marriage and any relationship. There is no magic bullet to get over a divorce.

How to get over a divorce

What does science say?

Photo split in half
Acceptance of the emotional breakup and divorce depends on factors that surround the couple, and can be more or less long and expensive.

Although it is difficult to measure human feelings, science has tried to understand the divorce process and the time needed to overcome it. 

Studies from the University of Binghampton in New York indicate that a divorce can be overcome between 6 months and 2 years . According to this research, women feel a more severe emotional shock but recover faster than men. In fact, men have a harder time getting over the breakup altogether .

This study reveals that there are 6 phases in the process of getting over a divorce .

  1. Depression and rage . There is a mixture of anger against the partner and moments of separation anxiety .
  2. Disorientation , caused by change and uncertainty.
  3. Pain and sadness when understanding that a feeling has been lost.
  4. Reflection . It is about looking for explanations and understanding what happened.
  5. Assimilation . At this point, you begin to accept the divorce and break the ties with the past.
  6. Opening . It comes when the divorce has been overcome and the person is able to meet new people and face a new life without resentment or ties with the past.

Also read: 4 early signs of divorce that few see

Tips to get over a divorce

Woman in psychological consultation to overcome a divorce
Proper emotional management in a break-up process can bring benefits in terms of self-love, self-acceptance, maturity and decision-making.

The couple’s relationship has a great impact on the way you believe in yourself and act, according to psychologist Karen Young. When living as a couple, one interacts, plans and decides together . There is a direct influence of the other person on oneself. The couple is also a support and someone to whom one trusts a large part of their privacy.

By getting divorced, you lose that partnership. As self-sufficient as you may feel, divorce is like losing part of yourself , according to Dr. Young. To recover from a divorce there are several steps that can be taken:

  • Talk to someone about your feelings.
  • Seek help from someone who can understand you. Do not hide your feelings or your sadness , or try to make up them. If you speak in a sincere and objective way, you will find answers that will help you.
  • Find a positive story. If you constantly talk about the breakup, rejection and loss of happiness, the recovery will be slower. However, if you seek a positive approach to your personal story, the healing process will be faster. Look for learnings from relationship and separation, personal lessons, and lessons for the future.
  • Find yourself. Do not focus on that part of yourself that you think you have lost by separating. Redefine yourself and establish who you are outside of a relationship. Take back those parts of yourself that you sacrificed for the relationship. Begin to see yourself as a whole person and not as the half that needed another person.
  • Find your own way . Search and get closer to the things that interest you. Set goals and paths to achieve them and follow that path. On that path, connect with yourself and with new people.

It may interest you: How to maintain a happy marriage

What not to do

Woman accepting breakup of couple looking out a window
Don’t isolate yourself or hesitate to express your feelings about the breakup to others. Thus, the final acceptance will be more bearable.

Therapist Susan Pease also recommends situations and actions that should be avoided.

  • Do not isolate yourself and keep your feelings in your thoughts. Seek help and share.
  • Don’t wait for others to tell you what to do. Talk to others but the solution is in you.
  • Do not shut yourself up and wait for everything to pass by itself. Take action to overcome the divorce .
  • Don’t pretend you’re okay when you don’t feel that way.
  • Don’t feel bad for feeling bad . It is normal to feel angry and sad. Accept it as part of the process.
  • Don’t be a perfectionist or think that you don’t make mistakes. Generally, in separations there are blame on both sides . Accept yours but don’t focus on blaming yourself. Take it as an apprenticeship.

Dr. Pease believes that people who take more than two years to get over a divorce, surely, do one or more of these things that should be avoided. Keep in mind all of the above and take your time to overcome the duel.

Categories
Breakup and divorce

7 tips to overcome a traumatic divorce

A divorce is also a grieving process . Indeed, it supposes the death of a life that was supposed to be in common , of dreams for the future, of shared time and of feelings. It is not easy to overcome it but if you take into account some tips, the mourning for the failed marriage can be more bearable.

Tips to get over a divorce

There can be many causes that lead to divorce, either by mutual agreement or contentious. In fact, each couple is different and, therefore, it could almost be said that there are as many reasons for divorce as there are marriages. Infidelity, abuse, incompatibility of characters … whatever, it is not easy to overcome the break.

However, it must be done: there is no other option. We cannot force anyone to stay by our side nor should we continue in a relationship that does not make sense.

We recommend you read: Getting over a breakup, how much time do we really need?

Accept the divorce

Sad woman having a coffee
Accepting the reality of divorce will help us overcome the grieving process and see the positive aspects that this situation leaves us with.

A marriage is the beginning of a life together , with dreams for the future, expectations and plans. It is a vision of the future that attracts us to the point of taking us to the altar to commit ourselves to the other person, thinking that it will be for life.

In this way, it is also an investment. Indeed, we invest in our spouse, in that life together, in all senses (economic, psychological, emotional…).

It is, therefore, normal that we refuse to accept that everything we have invested and dreamed of is not going to come true. This is why many people experience a denial phase, that is, they refuse to admit that it is over and insist that somehow the marriage can be saved, even risking their own dignity.

However, we must be honest and sincere with ourselves and accept reality . Of course, a grieving process will be necessary to overcome the rupture and in this sense, we must be condescending with ourselves and give ourselves time.

No to isolation

During the mourning of a relationship that has ended, many people tend to isolate themselves, withdraw into themselves and reject social life and contact with others, even those closest to them.

However, it is best to share what you feel and how you feel with close people who really love you. Expressing your feelings is something always positive that will lead you to feel more relieved and better. In this way, you can get rid of part of the burden that hurts you.

Therefore, do not reject family and friends who will help you , without a doubt, away from the isolation that can make you see things even more difficult than they really are.

We recommend reading: Why expressing emotions is positive?

Optimism

Happy woman
Although at first it seems impossible to visualize it, now you can imagine a new life, with new dreams and expectations.

It is easy to say – we are aware of it – but in every rupture, in addition to something that dies, there is also something that is born. And, indeed, a new future is born that, in addition, you had not imagined until now.

Little by little, as the grief over the marriage wears off, you can imagine a new life and have new dreams, expectations, and plans. Plus, you can even imagine yourself doing what you really want. Because now you are in those future projections and not the two who were the couple.

It is the ideal time to be optimistic , to imagine that future full of personal growth and pleasant activities, to take care of yourself and live your life.

Learn from divorce

You’ve been through a lot. You have suffered, you have cried and you have almost reached the limit. That means, among other things, that you have become closer to yourself, that you have been in contact with your deepest self and that you have been able to get to know yourself better .

Now you know your limits better and have learned to channel pain and negative emotions. Now you are stronger, more confident. Take advantage of that energy and consider a new life and a new future.

It is time to prioritize yourself

Yoga pose
It is time to think about yourself, rediscovering new interests and hobbies.

While the marriage lasted, everything revolved around the marital relationship: the day to day, how to organize vacations, shopping for the supermarket, what to watch on television … However, now, that condition does not exist and you can prioritize yourself same.

Therefore, try to do activities that are pleasant to you, that is, rediscover your hobbies and your personal tastes. Take care of yourself by doing physical exercise, for example.

No need to find another partner

It is the moment to understand that happiness is in yourself, and that you do not need a romantic relationship to give meaning to your life. Indeed, it makes sense on its own.

Therefore, do not think that finding another partner will solve your problems, neither present nor future. You must learn that feeling alone is also necessary , it is relating to yourself. Only then will we be prepared, as more upright and fulfilled individuals, to find the right person.

Seek professional help if necessary

Woman in therapy
When grief overtakes us and it is impossible to visualize a new life, professional help will always be our best option.

If despite everything you feel that you cannot overcome the divorce and that the grief is more intense than you can bear, do not hesitate to go to a professional.

Indeed, if you consider that depression is lurking and that you don’t feel capable of doing anything, or eating or enjoying the most everyday things in life, a psychologist can effectively help you overcome it.

So be condescending to yourself and accept that you need help. Then ask for it. A specialist will help you manage stress and your feelings. It will teach you to channel them in the proper way and to be able, at last, to visualize that new future that is now open to you without limits.

Throughout this article, we have given you some tips to help you overcome a traumatic divorce. Now, you should always keep in mind that each divorce is a world, as is each couple.

Thus, especially in those marriages with children or in which there has been abuse, we must be especially mature and strong . In fact, mismanaging the situation or the emotions and hurts that the breakup entails can create even more trauma in the future. Therefore, go to a professional whenever necessary.

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Breakup and divorce

Depression after a breakup: treatments and support

Some people are able to get over a breakup quickly. However, others find it more difficult and need more time. It is normal. However, in extreme cases, some people may become depressed after a breakup. In this article, we will tell you what the symptoms of depression are and how we can overcome this situation.

Depression or a normal reaction after the breakup?

Being sad is normal

Mujer triste
It is normal that after the end of a relationship we feel sadness, because we are ending a future project with another person.

First, it is essential to distinguish between what is a normal reaction to a breakup and a depression. Indeed, even if the relationship has not been very important, it is perfectly normal to present certain feelings and emotions when it ends. Thus, within what is considered a normal reaction, we can find:

  • Frustration
  • Sadness
  • Crying
  • Insomnia
  • Reluctance and loss of interest

It is, therefore, perfectly normal to go through a “grief phase” over a relationship that has died. It is, after all, a loss. So there is nothing to worry about. However, the time of this duel will depend on each person. Indeed, some take longer while others can overcome it more quickly.

We recommend you read:  How to overcome an emotional breakup

The Depression

On the other hand, in depression after a break, the symptoms do not disappear in weeks, even months. In fact, they can get worse. Thus, among its symptoms we can highlight:

  • Loss of interest in any type of activity
  • Low self-esteem
  • Lack of energy
  • Sleeping little or sleeping too much
  • Intense feeling of emptiness and hopelessness
  • Loss of appetite or increased appetite
  • The depressed person moves slowly, even talks and thinks slowly
  • Difficult to focus
  • In extreme cases, suicidal thoughts or tendencies

What to do in case of depression after a breakup?

The best and most effective way to overcome depression is to see a specialist. Indeed, it will be able to guide the depressed person from a professional level and initiate the most appropriate type of therapy for each case. In this regard, you can recommend:

Psychological treatment

Mujer en consulta psicológica
Proper emotional management in a break-up process can bring benefits in terms of self-love, self-acceptance, maturity and decision-making.

Interpersonal or cognitive behavioral therapy will consist of changing negative thoughts and overcoming or avoiding the obsession or idealization of the other person or the broken relationship, or the feeling of anger, if it exists. In this sense, cognitive behavioral therapy and psychoanalysis are the most common forms of therapy.

Also, relaxation techniques may be recommended that will have a very positive impact on the depressed person.

Psychopharmacological treatment

Always depending on the severity of the case, certain antidepressant medications may be prescribed .

We recommend you read: A common evil, depression

Other recommendations

There are other types of recommendations related to depression after a breakup.

  • For example, it is highly advisable to do physical exercise . Indeed, the release of endorphins will help the depressed person to feel better and to overcome their condition. However, you don’t need to go to a gym, just walk, walk or ride a bike.
  • Another recommendation is to keep busy. In this sense, it is recommended to start something new. This, in turn, can range from something as simple as starting to read a book to starting a new life project.
  • In addition, as we will see later, it is important not to isolate yourself and promote contact and friendship with other people .
  • Avoid drugs and alcohol as a means of escape or comfort.
  • Eat well and in a balanced way, that is, seek physical balance with healthy habits. 
  • Get adequate sleep and rest .

Support in depression after a breakup

amigos tomándose una cerveza al aire
Socializing is one of the keys that will help us face what happened and overcome the breakup process in a healthy way.

In any case, for the depressed person it is always essential to  have the support of family and friends. In this sense, it is even advisable to make new friends, expand the social circle, regain contact with previous friends, etc.

Indeed, one of the keys to overcoming the problem is socializing . This will help to divert the focus from the person or relationship that has ended and the mood. In addition, precisely in the case of depression, expressing emotions and talking about the subject with those closest to you can help very positively.

However, many times the depressed person is unable to socialize and shuns contact with others. In this sense, the question arises of how to help a person suffering from depression after a breakup .

  • First of all, it is recommended to learn what depression is and what its symptoms are. Knowledge is always a weapon and the most important tool.
  • Talk to the depressed person and encourage treatment. It is important that we indicate that your condition has a solution, that it will be better if it is treated and managed in the appropriate way. However, the decision to start treatment must always be made by the person affected.
  • Seek help immediately if suicidal thoughts or thoughts are detected .
  • Offer support. Listen, reinforce positive thoughts, make plans with the depressed person (go shopping, have a drink, etc.).
  • Be patient. Getting out of depression can be a slow and difficult process. However, we must at all times show our support.
Categories
Breakup and divorce

Houdini syndrome, when you escape from emotional involvement

Houdini syndrome refers to the Hungarian magician and escapist of the 19th century. However, we will refer to a type of psychological and emotional escapism that has a lot to do with the mechanism that operates the avoidance.

In this way, people with Houdini syndrome are characterized by escaping from work, obligations and relationships from time to time . In general, they tend to quickly commit to an activity or relationship. However, the greater the commitment, the greater the need to escape from it. Thus, there comes a day that they simply disappear.

People with Houdini syndrome do nothing more than reflect a deeper symptom that occurs, even on a social level, and that does not help to establish healthy and lasting bonds between individuals. Now, why does this phenomenon occur?

Liquid society and modern ties

No matter the time, there have always been people who have struggled to establish lasting bonds and commit. However, our society is too individualistic compared to other historical eras.

Unfortunately, more and more people are seen as mere means or objects. This situation does not invite to think that, for example, friendships or relationships will last forever.

Today, the ties with others are more diffuse and weak. It gives the impression that people are replaceable at all times and in all places. Nothing lasts forever, and perhaps many laugh at this concept.

Neither things nor relationships seem built to last. Weak ties are like shallow roots. Before the slightest difficulty, everything falls apart.

Houdini syndrome
We live in a time where relationships don’t seem destined to last long.

Keep reading: Liquid relationships and the fragility of ties

Phases of Houdini syndrome or emotional drain

Houdini syndrome usually occurs progressively, in phases . It goes from giving everything to disappearing, many times even without leaving a trace. In a classic way, the following three phases are distinguished:

  • First phase of sentimental boom: in this phase there is falling in love , and it seems that everything is going to go very well, that we are fortunate to have met that person and that he is by our side. Everything is perfect and our dreams are projected as reality with that person. However, this phase usually goes as fast as it appears.
  • Second phase of doubts: as the relationship has weak foundations or shallow roots, doubts may arise about the reliability of the relationship. Nothing is as beautiful as at the beginning, and you don’t really know what will happen. Uncertainty appears .
  • Third phase of emotional flight: the person in question escapes from the relationship. He leaves us, perhaps without showing up or giving explanations. Contact can be severely severed and it is not uncommon for that person to never be heard from again.

Find out more: I feel distant from my partner: what do I do?

Why can this emotional drain occur?

running away from a relationship
When one of the people disappears from the relationship due to Houdini syndrome, it is usual that nothing is heard from her again

There can be 3 factors whose simultaneous action would be equivalent to an explosive cocktail:

  • Immaturity: derived from the little emotional education that some people have. Many have stereotypical ideas about what relationships should be like and don’t know how to manage them. There is also fear of commitment or inability to plan one’s life.
  • Individualistic society : today’s society, as we anticipated, no longer gives importance to stable relationships , forming families and sex as an expression of love and transcendence. Instead, these values ​​have been traded for a misunderstood kind of freedom that manifests itself as individualism.
  • Internet, social networks and new technologies: the social networks give the impression of having dozens of potential partners hand, people who have in reserve , who write to us, send us photos. In these circumstances, it is difficult to focus and stay with just one person, giving up the others, depending on the stereotype that is imposed.

Houdini syndrome is not the only option

In conclusion, perhaps for many the situation is not the most favorable, but we must avoid being victims of escapism, or avoid doing it ourselves. Houdini syndrome is common in liquid society, but it is not the only behavioral choice.

Therefore, we must take care of the person we are with. We should not play with the feelings of others, just as we would have to take care of our self-esteem and face the fear that the supposed resignation of a multitude of couples supposes.